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The Fischer Family





15 Things to Thank Your Mother For This Mothers Day

Melissa Fischer

If you are running into writer's block while writing that Mothers Day card this year, let me help you out. Here are 15 things that you absolutely must thank your mom for. 

1. Literally (not figuratively) keeping you alive.

Think about it. If your mom hadn’t acquired (or lactated) nourishment and physically stuck it in your needy little mouth, at times coercing you to eat it, day after day... after day... after day... after day… you wouldn’t even be alive to say Happy Mothers day.

2. Embracing the torturous sights and sounds of children’s television programming.

Back in the day kid’s shows didn't feature Jimmy Eat World, Andy Samberg and The Roots. Sure Sesame Street had a few cool guest stars and Mr. Rodgers had some pretty chill tunes, but  for the most part, your mom probably put up with torture like this:

If you had younger siblings, she probably got her fair share of this:

And when you were a little older, plenty of quality entertainment like this:

3. Reading you the same book 42,329 times despite the story’s gaping plot holes and terrible character development.

There are a lot of wonderful children’s books that have been published over the years. Your mom was lucky if your favorite book was something sweet, simple and heartfelt like "Goodnight Moon" or "Love You Forever."

On the other hand it’s often the case that “children’s book author” is to “professional writer” as “Rebecca Black” is to “recording artist” Many children’s books leave you wondering whether the author wrote the book while tripping on acid or if the story was simply an abandoned M. Night Shyamalan script. Yet, your mom read you that story every. single. night. Simply because you asked for it.

4. Sitting in McDonald’s play place for hours.

If you are a parent, you understand that sitting anywhere where your child is occupied, entertained and socially engaged is the parenting equivalent of sipping an ice cold lemonade while getting a full body spa treatment in a sweet sanctuary of peaceful bliss.

You alone are responsible for putting your mom in a mental state where she was willing to wholeheartedly and happily embrace that grease covered, dirty-diaper/sweaty-sock smelling, excruciatingly noisy heck-hole named "McDonald's".

I haven’t even started in on Ronald yet.

5. Living in a minefield of unpredictable pain.

All she was trying to do was to get from the bedroom to the kitchen before you finished dumping your entire cup of milk into the heater vent. Unfortunately, she would never make it to the kitchen in time. As she innocently and swiftly made her way across the living room floor she would be brought to her knees in excruciating pain. She had stepped on one of your precious toys. On a good day it was a barbie shoe or a hot wheel convertible. God forbid it was a lego.

There are three contenders for most painful experiences in human existence. The first is only experienced by those with male reproductive organs. The second was experience by your mom while giving birth to you. {You should really say thanks to you your mom for that while you are at it.}

The third happens to parents (let’s be real, mostly moms) of children who play with legos. And all she wanted for you was a bright future as an architect or engineer.

6. Cleaning up your (literal) crap. and vomit. and pee.

Yeah. It’s gross. But it happened. As crap generally does.

If you are a parent, you understand what I’m talking about and can skip to the next section.

If not, let me paint you a picture. Think back to all of those Nickelodeon game shows where some unfortunate {but seemingly blissful} person ended up completely covered in some bright green Gak as Marc Summers stood to the side of the frame grinning like a buffoon. That slime was most likely just artificially colored applesauce or some other slimy but delicious concoction.

Being a parent is like living on one of those game shows only replace the gak with as much foul smelling, nasty bodily fluid as you can possibly imagine. The prize trip to Universal Studios would have been nice but instead your Mom just won another job for the bottle of disinfectant.

That gross factor is EXACTLY why you should mention this in every Mothers Day card for the rest of your life. Unless it’s the card to your Mother-in-law. That might get weird.

7. Potty Training

As if the diaper changing years aren’t terrible enough to serve as a proper initiation into parenthood. It just has to be followed up with this era called “potty training.”

Your mom thought she was cleaning up a lot of "shizz" when you were in the exploding diaper phase. Then it came time to teach you how to time, control and aim your bodily output. Gross,  gross, and gross.

Ok, let's move on...

8. This.

9. Being genuinely and enthusiastically proud of your most trivial accomplishments.

You got your first tooth. You can bet your mom told everyone on the block {because they didn't have Facebook back then} about this monumental news. She, of course, assumed that they actually cared. Surely no other human being on the planet had ever conquered teething like you.

Oh, now you drew a stick figure? Your mom took pictures {with actual film. it was a thing. Google it} of your picture, hung it on the refrigerator and sent copies to all your extended family. She was sure you’d be the next Picasso. No one could draw a stick figure like her baby.

You wrote the letter L. The stick figure was really more impressive. But not to your mom. She became the cheerleader she always knew she was meant to be when you completed that second little horizontal line.

The funny thing is that, in all of these moments, she was authentically proud of you. You can definitely thank her for any shreds of self-confidence you made it into adulthood with.

10. Letting you break all of her stuff.

When a grown adult human being broke one of your mom’s things she probably got:

1. An apology

2. The broken item cleaned up

3. Repayment for the broken item

However, when you broke one of your mom things she probably got:

1. A broken thing

2. A big mess to clean

3. A crying (or lying depending on age) child

4. Did I mention a broken thing?

If you aren’t gonna send her a check this Mothers Day as compensation for the destruction of all of her personal property, you can at least say thanks.

11. For all the times she had to put up with hearing something like…

“Mommy, your tummy is squishy”

“Why do you have those lines on your forehead and those dark spots under your eyes?”

Or maybe when you were a little older something like…

“Mom, are you really going to wear that!?”

“Oh my gosh mom, you are so embarrassing!”

“Frankie's mom is so cool because she does {some arbitrary ridiculous thing}. How come you don’t do that mom?”

12. All of her stuff you borrowed and never gave back.

In-between dishing out insults to her age, fashion and physical appearance you somehow managed to slip in requests to borrow her things. Her earrings, sunglasses, umbrella, car, $20 bill, and that one {or seven} items of clothing she owned that could actually pass as cool. There was always something of hers that you needed to “borrow.”

She knew just as well as you that this borrowing arrangement was of a permanent nature. She would most likely never see that item again. Unless of course she was washing it, then the item might even have made it back into her closet for a brief moment. Until you took it enough times that she eventually just started putting it in your clean clothes pile.

13. Sharing everything she ever tried to eat

Kids are moochers. You were one. I promise. Even when your mom spent the first hour of meal time fulfilling your every last dining request insuring that you were full and content she couldn't so much as fall exhausted into her chair and pick up her fork without hearing, “I want a bite!” “Can I have a bite?”

Eventually she had to resort to only eating during nap times and after you went to bed at night. Sometimes she would hide in the kitchen and stuff her face during the 5 minutes your were preoccupied with something else.

Take a minute to picture your mom crouched down in the corner of your kitchen trying to take a bite of whatever cold leftovers she may have scrounged up, constantly watching over her shoulder for a flank attack. Oh the loss of dignity.

Why don't you go buy your mom a donut this Mothers Day. Actually buy her two, because you know you're still gonna ask her for a bite.

14. Foregoing the extravagant luxury of sleep.

From the moment you entered her world {not the world, her world}, you have caused your mom to lose sleep. Whether she was getting up in the middle of the night to vomit because you were causing her morning {or all day, everyday} sickness or she was getting up to use the bathroom because you were kicking her bladder, your mom has not had a solid night of sleep since the night you were conceived.

Then came the middle of the night feedings, diaper changes, night terrors, and illnesses which were coupled with your early morning demands for breakfast. Even now your mom likely still loses sleep worrying about you, and even if she doesn’t worry, at this point her body is so trained in its sleepless ways, she couldn’t get a solid night of sleep if she tried.

15. Taking care of all your injuries.

One of a mother's many important titles is nurse.

Whether it was kissing your boo boo when you fell down and scraped your knee for the 147th time or taking you to the emergency room that time you watched "Brink" on the Disney channel and decided that roller blading off the picnic table was somehow gonna help you "save the day." Your mom always took care of you and nursed you back to health.

The bottom line is that Moms are awesome and deserve a lot of "Thanks!" that they are never gonna get. This Mothers Day go a little further than "Thanks for everything Mom!" and detail your appreciation for the many sacrifices she made for you.

If you are reading this mom, thanks for all of this and so much more. I love you.